LATELY
I turn 21 in a few days (would have probably turned 21 when this is out), I can’t help but think about the actuality that I still don’t know what I’m doing. This is one of my most recurring thoughts. The pressure of life and success because even more prominent and I feel the urgent need of getting my sh*t together. It’s constantly said, “age is just a number” but why is there still a burden of responsibility that comes with it or is just the pressure of being a first child?
Transitioning from a teenager to a young adult; is not as amusing as it’s told. You are told this tale about being in total control and making the ultimate decisions but the part where you go through different phases of your life growing up is excluded. Your teenage years are the most vulnerable as a man or a woman. It is overwhelming when we are faced with unprecedented stress concerning oneself. Constant battles (internal and external) about the surety of our identities and our socio-economic surroundings. Countless changes and pressure as every 365 days comes by and passes. We are expected to cope with hormonal changes, parental forces, and the most recurring; societal pressure.
Society can have a harmful influence on the identity of a person, this could either be on one’s gender, sexual orientation, race, etc. For the most part, the majority of interactive skills are taught outside the home in contrast to family, who focuses more on instilling morals and values. From a general standpoint, the family builds more of character while society focuses more on identity, but the influences all fluctuate as one grows up. As a guy, it’s much easier to lose yourself and create a false identity because of various themes surrounding us, themes that promote violence, aggressiveness and being cold-hearted. These themes impact us negatively as men and create this distortion that can be labelled as toxic masculinity.
The inherent reality around toxic masculinity is everything men do is for the validation of other people (mainly men) but can we really be blamed for it?
I believe both men and women contribute to the perpetuation of this topic. The basic understanding of ‘manliness’ was set by men, but as time progressed society evolved what it is to be a man. When we are born, we are instructed how to function in heteronormative society and what it is to be a man and a woman. I come from a society where patriarchy is intertwined with culture, beliefs and social/political institutions. Growing up in Nigeria has shown me how most men try to display ‘power’ through the subjugation of women in a family, religious and most especially governmental setting. An archaic western-African definition of a man would be the ‘head of the family’, which does not sound very degrading (to a woman) until the roles are visited. From a traditional western perspective, the heteronormative duties of the head of the family would be protecting the family, fulfilling important roles, providing for the family in contrast to the duties of a woman which would be the house-hold chores. In an egalitarian’s world, both roles are equally as important for a family to function.
I would argue most men in some way are responsible for toxic masculinity, but I can’t fully blame any man for it. “Women only value a man based on how well he can fulfil the manly roles and expectations,” a friend of mine said when we were conversing, and I couldn’t agree more. The taste of a woman may vary and from my experience, women gravitate more towards men that display traits of an ‘alpha male’. The term ‘alpha male’ has been interpreted wrong and misused with respect to what it means to be a man. What does it mean to be a man? Being a man is about being self-discovered and self-aware, it means being fearless about showing who you are and your emotions. It is asking for help when you need it and putting your pride away.
We have convinced ourselves that the system operates at its optimum when men are in power. To be at the top, you must be dominant and overcoming. Majority of women have pushed on how they want a powerful and dominant man in their lives, from my experience. This idea has only contributed to the negative social pressure placed on the male gender and informed the definition of what a ‘man’ is in today’s society; For this reason, We as guys want to impress and show we can be there for a woman which has brought about this alter-ego: the “bad boy”. Girls get infatuated over these bad boys – boys that are usually tough, aggressive and are showing little-to-no emotion. They are wilful boys who do what they want whenever they want in the name of being ‘cool’. Their cool (rebellious and disruptive) attitude are seen as different which strikes an interest in many females. They become infatuated over these ‘bad boys’ and it becomes a cycle that is reinforced and feeds into itself.
Collectively, we need to understand that these standards were set by us, so we need not judge each other by how many women we’ve had intercourse with or how much ‘ratings’ our boys give us. Social pressures cause boys to lie about experiences with the opposite gender. There’s an unnerving feeling that turns up when asked what went ‘down’ in regard to the opposite sex, especially for boys. There’s a feeling of need to meet up to their gender expectations when intercourse or any form of sexual contact is involved. As humans, we would like to meet up to our expectations but failing to meet those expectations can lead to the slander of one’s character in this context. Boys are more likely to overestimate their sexual partners to meet these expectations, the praise and glory received from their peers can be quite comforting at the moment.
To progress as humans, we need to be self-aware. A man should recognise the toxic traits that he carries and work on them as effective as he can. Only he can choose to correct this defect and better himself.
PHOTOGRAPHY & STYLING// NOVIO KAREEM
MODEL// WARI PEPPLE